Rise Above Rejection

Rejection and Abandonment from an Intimate Partner

The experience of rejection strikes at our most primal fear as human beings and can leave us feeling isolated, as if we no longer belong, and that we are unworthy.

We are wired for attachment, carry an intrinsic need to belong, and long to feel worthy at our core. When an intimate partner rejects and abandons us—whether emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, or otherwise—the pain that follows is often profound and agonizing. Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, explains, “Being left by someone we love can open up old wounds, stirring up insecurities and doubts that have been part of our emotional baggage since childhood.”

Anderson describes the five stages of abandonment as a “SWIRL”: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalization, Rage, and Lifting. This "swirl" aptly illustrates that healing is not linear; it is often a looping, cyclical journey. Reflecting on my own experience of relational abandonment and rejection, I vividly recall feeling as though I were swirling through life, unmoored, directionless, and burdened with self-doubt. It was difficult to make sense of my feelings, to understand who I was, why this had happened to me, and how I might move forward. I often tell members of LIFFT (Living Intentionally, Finding Freedom Together)—an in-person support group I created for women navigating rejection—that I wished I’d had the words to define what I was feeling, to know that my experience was “normal.”

Susan Anderson’s SWIRL model has been a gift, offering clarity and validation to those of us on this painful path. I’m grateful that Anderson’s work provides not only a structure for understanding, but also hope, embodied in the concept of Lifting.

Interestingly, I created LIFFT even before encountering Anderson’s book. Serendipitous? Perhaps. Nonetheless, it is the Lifting stage I emphasize in my work with clients, as it offers the promise of hope. It reminds us that we are worthy, that we do belong, and that we can flourish as we focus on healing.

Rise Above Rejection. To rise means to grow, to advance, and to progress. And while the journey is deeply personal, rising can be nurtured within a safe and supportive community. Relational Cultural Theory (RCT) teaches that we cannot grow, heal, or thrive in isolation; we need others beside us. So, to anyone healing from relational abandonment and rejection, my encouragement is to seek out a safe, supportive community. Do not try to heal alone. 

Susan Anderson describes Lifting as “a time of hope…a spontaneous remission…a new life.” While Lifting may come in glimpses throughout our healing journey, it culminates when we finally shed the confines of self-doubt and unworthiness, embracing self-reliance, self-awareness, and self-love. Lifting is when we feel, undeniably, that we are thriving and healed. 

Watch for my upcoming course, Rise Above Rejection, where we’ll journey toward healing and hope together.

Learn, Grow, Heal and Live Your Best Life!

With care,
~Melisha