Super Hero Powers for Couples: How to Listen, Use Curiosity, Empathy, and Validation to Overcome Conflict
Mar 17
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Melisha Franks; R. Psych
Super Power #1: Empathy – The Listening Ear
Imagine having the superpower to truly understand and connect with your partner's emotions. In the world of couples, this power is known as empathy. Alfred Adler described empathy as "seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” It's the ability to listen not to respond, but to understand and to really place yourself in your partner's shoes, seeking to see through their eyes instead of your own. When your partner shares something that triggers you, rather than immediately defending yourself, take a step back, self-regulate, and lean in with empathy. See if you can grasp what is really happening for them in the moment; their emotions, their thoughts, and their experience. This empathic approach can defuse conflict and open the door to open communication.
Super Power #2: Curiosity with A.R.E.
Being curious is a superpower that can transform the dynamics of any relationship.
In the world of couples, a question asked by all is: Are you there for me? Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) breaks this question down into the following three components represented by the acronym A.R.E. - Available, Responsive, and Engaged. Will you be Available when your partner needs you? Will you be Responsive when they express their concerns or feelings? Will you stay Engaged in the conversation, showing your genuine interest in what they have to say? And more importantly, can you be available, responsive, and engaged in the way your partner needs you to be? One way to discover how your partner needs you to show up for them is through the practice of genuine curiosity. Curiosity can invite open, honest, and constructive communication that can help prevent assumptions and misunderstandings.
Super Power #3: Validation – The Superpower of Understanding
Validation is like a protective shield against the arrows of relationship conflict. It's the ability to acknowledge and validate your partner's emotional experience with two or three meaningful reasons why you understand. This is key - communicating meaningful reasons of why you understand. For example, "It makes sense that you are disappointed with me for forgetting to pick the dog up because this is the third time I forgot, and because you had to leave early to pick the kids up, and because you were really counting on me to be there for you." When your partner really feels heard and validated, it can work wonders in diffusing tension and creating a safe space for open dialogue. And to be clear, validating their feelings doesn't necessarily mean you agree with their perspective, but it shows that you respect and acknowledge their emotions and their perspective. It helps them feel they are valued as your partner and as a human being.
Build a muscle memory
When used mindfully, authentically, and responsibly, these superpower relationship skills can be the key to stopping conflict dead in its tracks. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it's how you navigate it that truly matters. These superpowers can empower you to communicate in a healthy manner, leading to incredible changes and growth in your relationship. Remember, you don't need a cape or a secret identity to become a relationship superhero. All it takes is a willingness to cultivate these superpowers, and you'll witness your relationship transform into something truly amazing. Author of Eat that Frog, Brian Tracy states "there are no shortcuts to lasting success.". So, start practicing, EVERY DAY and put these super abilities to the test. You will witness your relationship begin to change and grow in connection, understanding, and intimacy. Your partner will thank you and your relationship will thrive like never before!
Learn, Grow, Heal and Live Your Best Life!
~Melisha
Imagine having the superpower to truly understand and connect with your partner's emotions. In the world of couples, this power is known as empathy. Alfred Adler described empathy as "seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” It's the ability to listen not to respond, but to understand and to really place yourself in your partner's shoes, seeking to see through their eyes instead of your own. When your partner shares something that triggers you, rather than immediately defending yourself, take a step back, self-regulate, and lean in with empathy. See if you can grasp what is really happening for them in the moment; their emotions, their thoughts, and their experience. This empathic approach can defuse conflict and open the door to open communication.
Super Power #2: Curiosity with A.R.E.
Being curious is a superpower that can transform the dynamics of any relationship.
In the world of couples, a question asked by all is: Are you there for me? Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) breaks this question down into the following three components represented by the acronym A.R.E. - Available, Responsive, and Engaged. Will you be Available when your partner needs you? Will you be Responsive when they express their concerns or feelings? Will you stay Engaged in the conversation, showing your genuine interest in what they have to say? And more importantly, can you be available, responsive, and engaged in the way your partner needs you to be? One way to discover how your partner needs you to show up for them is through the practice of genuine curiosity. Curiosity can invite open, honest, and constructive communication that can help prevent assumptions and misunderstandings.
Super Power #3: Validation – The Superpower of Understanding
Validation is like a protective shield against the arrows of relationship conflict. It's the ability to acknowledge and validate your partner's emotional experience with two or three meaningful reasons why you understand. This is key - communicating meaningful reasons of why you understand. For example, "It makes sense that you are disappointed with me for forgetting to pick the dog up because this is the third time I forgot, and because you had to leave early to pick the kids up, and because you were really counting on me to be there for you." When your partner really feels heard and validated, it can work wonders in diffusing tension and creating a safe space for open dialogue. And to be clear, validating their feelings doesn't necessarily mean you agree with their perspective, but it shows that you respect and acknowledge their emotions and their perspective. It helps them feel they are valued as your partner and as a human being.
Build a muscle memory
When used mindfully, authentically, and responsibly, these superpower relationship skills can be the key to stopping conflict dead in its tracks. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it's how you navigate it that truly matters. These superpowers can empower you to communicate in a healthy manner, leading to incredible changes and growth in your relationship. Remember, you don't need a cape or a secret identity to become a relationship superhero. All it takes is a willingness to cultivate these superpowers, and you'll witness your relationship transform into something truly amazing. Author of Eat that Frog, Brian Tracy states "there are no shortcuts to lasting success.". So, start practicing, EVERY DAY and put these super abilities to the test. You will witness your relationship begin to change and grow in connection, understanding, and intimacy. Your partner will thank you and your relationship will thrive like never before!
Learn, Grow, Heal and Live Your Best Life!
~Melisha
I offer individuals online courses designed to enhance your journey through life. In my private practice in Medicine Hat, AB, Canada I have helped many people overcome life and relational challenges by making empowered choices that foster healing, growth, and meaningful changes in their lives. My online courses can help you experience the same!
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